A Word to the Wise...

Don't blow stop signs on a bike in Portland. I was an unwitting target in one of the Portland Police Bureau's cycling stings a couple weeks ago, and was presented with two options, ever-so-eloquently, by the monosyllabic thug writing me the citation:

1. Bend over and pay a fucking ridiculous fine of $242 USD, or
2. Bend over and attend the 2-hour, $30 USD Trauma Nurses Talk Tough "Share the Road" class with about 120 other lawless law-breakers and get my citation waived.

The choice is, of course, shitty but obvious.

I know I sound bitchy, especially since I fully admit to rolling through the stop sign within sight of officer Poncirello. Yes, I broke the law, and yes, I take resposibility, but still... using the PPB's precious fleet of motorcycle meatheads for a sting on bike commuters is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. More than half of the 120+ people at the Share the Road class were cyclists with similar less-than-minor infractions. I am a VERY safe rider, I wear bright yellow and have flashy lights and reflectors and all that shit, and I had it all on when I got the ticket.

Anyway, so I roll up to the class last night, nice and early to make sure I have all the paperwork and crap I need to get my ticket removed when this is all over with. It was held in NE Portland at the Legacy Emmanuel hospital, which is one of the two trauma centers in Portland. It was bitter cold, raining hard and windy as hell when I locked my bike up. The class was from 7-9, so it was only going to be colder, windier, rainier and darker on the ride home... Karma, I guessed.

As I signed in, got my "pre-test" and my 3" pencil and made my way into the auditorium, was surprised at how many other folks were as early as I was (I got there about 6:35), and also surprised to see that quite a few others had ridden bikes. Always nice to be in a room with a bunch of other cyclists, no matter what the circumstances. Of course, after the 45 seconds it took to fill out the pre-test, I was a little bummed at having to spend the next 20 mins staring at the ceiling. I KNEW I should have grabbed a book. The class filled up quickly, and they ended up having overflow in aisles by the time they got started around 10 minutes late. Listening to all the "what are you in for?" talk was mildly entertaining, however.

First up was the good old traffic judge whats-his-name, whose idea this whole thing was in the first place. He was a good speaker, and won me over pretty quickly with his status as a bike commuter. He showed some pictures he had taken of people breaking the law in cars, on foot and on bikes -- kinda funny to laugh at dumbass people, but not all that funny when you realize the room is full of people who are there for doing dumbass stuff exactly like what was in the pictures.

Next up was the trauma nurse and all the road burger pictures. Not very appetizing, but whatever. Yeah, we know that if you crash you can get fucked up. It's a pretty middle-school scare-tactic, but seeing brains is seeing brains. It is pretty surprising that a lot of people don't wear helmets still. Fakengers are funny... but I digress.

After the carnage slideshow, came the protracted maundering of very same copper who issued me the ticket. I think it was him anyway -- they all start to look a like after awhile, and I didn't really care enough to get my ticket out and see what his name was. Listening to/watching this guy talk, all puffed up and talking to everyone in the room like we were criminals, was totally fingernails on a chalkboard. It was, however, pretty amusing to watch him try to master the remedial PowerPoint presentation and fail miserably. Of course, anyone that's been a Portland Police officer for almost 20 years and is stuck handing out tickets to bike commuters is not exactly living the dream, so whatever.

Next up was the bikey Portland gal from the BTA; she was nice enough and had a cool hat, so I simmered down a little and resorted to counting the minutes until I could bust out of this increasingly balmy room full of criminal-minded biomass.

Overall, this class was totally a clusterfuck, but I think the intentions were good. It was a nice enough room with comfy chairs, with nice enough AV equipment, but between the squelching microphones, fucked up PowerPoint slides and movie clips, redundant information and poor time management -- it was certianly more of a punishment than an education. The best part was when a guy who was there for an automobile citation said, "you can't really get a ticket for rolling through a stop sign on a bike, can you?" and about 70 people shouted in near unison, "I did!" Way to go, Portland.